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Author Topic: Reviews of the crappiest spaghetti westerns around.  (Read 84847 times)
The Firecracker
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« on: March 03, 2006, 12:52:20 PM »

I have made it my life long goal to watch every single spaghetti western in existance, a daunting task i know. which includes the crappy ones also. why do I want to do this you ask? because i dont want to believe that i am missing out on something special. because to me, italian westerns, are special. and i dont want to miss one moment of it.

anyway the below is going to soon be filled with reviews for the suckiest spaghetti westerns. why? because I just want to be helpful to those who just want to see quality spaghetti as opposed to crap spaghetti. my reviews will allow these individuals to know what sucks so they can stay away from it.
the first of the reviews is W Django. while it is not immense crap...it certainly is pretty crappy for the price those bastards are asking for the dvd. read the following for more info...






review of W Django(aka A man called Django)

for those who have eyed this on wwwxploitedcinema.com dont even think about it. it is not worth the 20 dollar or so price tag. save it for something else.

anthony stephen stars as django and he is in search for the men that raped and killed his wife. first off i was expecting the transfer to be decent since i am paying over 20 dollars for it. boy was i wrong. the thieving bastards who made this dvd should be ashamed of themselves. the transfer is pretty bad and the movie is cut to ribbons. there are several scenes where at least a second of film is skipped. you can tell by the missing frames. and this doesnt happen just once or twice. it happens at least a total of seven times(which is unexceptable!). they could have at least been discrete about it, but no, they dont even give the viewer enough credit to be sneaky about them leaving out shots. they figured "just take out shots, these morons wont tell the difference."

also the film while entertaining, is not much of a gem for you tell shell out 20 bucks for. the film cannot decide whether to take the plot seriously or to treat it as a slapstick comedy. there are times when the action is deadly serious with gritty realism, then when django ties a rope to his enemy's bed to his horse and takes the bed for a joy ride....you cannot help but shake youre head in embarassment.however there are a few neat little moments in W Django from keeping it from being a total loss, for example for those who have seen Once upon a time in Mexico, most will remember the johnny depp character to have a fake third arm to fool enemys into thinking he is dis-armed. well the same is true in this film. there is a scene where steffen uses a fake wooden arm. apparently robert rodriguez saw this film. also there is a nice twist ending in the film(though you could see it coming from a mile away).

DONT PAY FOR THIS!
if you could get it for a good $7.99 that is fine but the 20 dollars price tag is not acceptable.


all and all...dont waste youre time. steffen has done better spaghetti westerns then this garbage.





CRAP METER:4

ENTERTAINMENT VALUE:7

« Last Edit: April 29, 2006, 01:31:49 AM by The Firecracker » Logged



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« Reply #1 on: March 03, 2006, 09:24:07 PM »

review for Kid Vengeance

Though alot  of you have already heard about the crappy reputation this film has, perhaps you are not familiar as to WHY it has a crappy reputation. well trust me, there are plenty of reasons WHY.


the premise is the same tired old plot of "revenge for slaughtered family" plotline only with a twist(unfortunatly not a good one) a child is the one seeking revenge for his family that was killed by outlaws. the outlaw gang is run by none other than Lee van cleef himself, and i sure as hell wish he didnt. this movie is an insult to his filmography. he looks like a deranged hippie who hasnt gotten laid since woodstock. and his usually good "tough guy" acting decided to take a holiday while filming this awful rubbish. It is painful to see such a great talent go to waste right before youre eyes. but painful or not, it happens. luckily he is underused in the film(normally that is a bad thing, but here..it aint.).
child actor Lief Garret doesnt fair much better as the vengeance seeking little tyke. his role is to just look pissed during his journey for justice and cry while his mom is being raped by Van cleef. oh and i forgot to mention he is on the trail not only for revenge but to save his big sister whom the bandits kidnapped to sell off to a child slave labor camp.

now in its defense there are a few clever things that the kid does to exact his revenge. oh who am i kidding? he does one thing that was interesting. while one of the bandits are asleep the kid sneaks up to his boot and puts a snake in it. when the bandit wakes up he puts the boot on and OUCH! one dead bandit. Intreresting killings that could have saved the film from being an utter disgrace END HERE.
anyway, along the way the kid meets up with Jim Brown and he decides to help the kid upon his quest for some reason(i dont know why though, i am sure there was a good valid reason for it, but at this point were an hour into the film and i was a good 20 minutes into a daydream at that point in the film). there is nothing to criticize Jim Brown about here, because he doesnt do much of anything to praise or criticize. there isnt much more to say here. i could make a list with 100 reasons why this film sucks but what is the point? you know it sucks, I know it sucks. nuff said. this is for sure the top five worst spaghetti westerns out there. dont waste youre time.

remember i watch this trite, so you dont have to. Grin Wink



CRAP METER:10

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« Last Edit: April 29, 2006, 01:32:32 AM by The Firecracker » Logged



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« Reply #2 on: March 04, 2006, 07:27:32 PM »

Thanks great stuff and keep going, also cover score, sets, and senery locations, for some SW's all they have worthwhile is the score.

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« Reply #3 on: March 05, 2006, 05:01:06 PM »

Thanks great stuff and keep going, also cover score, sets, and senery locations, for some SW's all they have worthwhile is the score.

Thanks for the support Joe. youre right I  should include all those things. I will on my next post. the last two were a bit of a rush job. I am sure it shows.

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« Reply #4 on: March 05, 2006, 05:47:33 PM »

review for "It can be done amigo"

My experience with comedy spag westerns have always been pleasent. They have always been surprisingly funny. even the ones that were unfunny had a certain charm to them that kept the film from falling apart. however this ungratful mess falls apart from the moment it starts. we have Bud spencer as the lead. and Jack palance as the villian. Spencers character is being chased by the psychotic palance across the desert. for reasons that are unknown to the audience for the moment. it is later discovered that Spencer slept with palance's sister, now palance wants to force the two into marriage. along the way spencer runs into a dieing old man whose last wishes are to escort his grandson to a property that he owns which also includes a supposed "vast fortune". reluctantly spencer accepts. the boy and spencer reach the property only to find out it is a complete abandoned mess. the sheriff of the town shows up and suspiciously asks to buy the mess for 5,000 dollars. the boy refuses much to spencer's dismay. Now anybody can figure out by this point that the property, though it looks like crap, is probably sitting on a gold mine, hence the asking price. but this does not dawn on our hero at the moment. so now we must be subjected to a full half hour of joining spencer walking around town asking folks about the property to see why the sheriff would ask so much for it. So we have to sit through a mini mystery which we already know the outcome too........Y-A-W-N. and not only is it boring, it completly stops the movie dead in its tracks(though some may argue the movie never got moving in the first place) you totally forget about the jack palances character. as a matter of fact, why does he stop chasing him during this half hour? he is nowhere to be seen.  finally a hooker tells spencer there has been a rumor that "there be gold in dem hills". to bad the audience was way too ahead of the film to actaully be surprised. and the fact that a hooker tells him, A HOOKER! of all people(*note* i am not biased against hookers dont send me hate mail.).

after the little "mini mystery" the plot gets going again and jack palance finally shows up and forces spencer to marry his sister. it all ends to a big climax where the greedy sheriffs deputies go to try to "land grab" the property that is owned by spencers child friend. but there is no gunfight...somehow all of the deputies pistols malfunction all at once(this is never explained) and they end up having a big fist fight with spencer.
to top this embarassing film off there is an unfunny(and borderline insultive) "wife beating joke" at the very end.

oh and by the way...the hidden gold of the property turns out to be the black kind.


Actors
Bud spencer: I have always had my suspicion that Bud was never able to carry a comedic role without Terence Hill. My suspicion have been confirmed. he is unfunny when he does not have someone around to bounce off his dead- pan humor. but comedic performance aside...there is a heart warming scene between him and the little boy which made me think that they were actually gonna go a certain direction with the film...but it went nowhere after that scene.

Jack Palance: he faulters in the first scenes he is in but then redeems himself during his later scenes as the comic bad guy. he is really funny as spencers new brother in law.

The Music: I must admit i forgot who composed the music, i believe it was either Bruno nicolai or Luis e. bacalov. either way, those two are uaually reliable, and they fail miserably here. the title song is the only music i remember from the film, not because it was good though, but because it WAS the only piece of music in the film. it plays in the begining and never plays again, the rest of the film has no music at all. the whole soundtrack is vacant except for the final brawl which was like circus music. awful soundtrack.


needless to say...DONT BOTHER WITH THIS FILM!
I got it in a box set with other spaghettis. that is the only way i would recommend this trash, just to see Jack palance(though even he is not a good reason to sit through this.)



CRAP METER:9

ENTERTAINMENT VALUE:3

« Last Edit: April 29, 2006, 01:33:12 AM by The Firecracker » Logged



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« Reply #5 on: March 06, 2006, 03:19:36 AM »

I've just received the Diamond Entertainment 13 SW box set and i now have this same movie twice over and they both appear to be the same very poor print which doesn't help. I've already given this film a look a couple of times and yes it is truly bad especially the annoying brat and the terrible music.
Boot Hill which i haven't seen yet is on the same set and from what i've read(none of it very good!) about this i'm probably going to leave this till last-i checked the picture quality though and similar to the other Bud Spencer film this is pretty awful too!
I have the other two Bud/Terence films in the Colizzi trilogy and i'd have to say that the first God Forgives is overlong,boring,totally lacking humour and not far from being crap in my books.However i do take issue with the suggestion that Ace High is crap which although again maybe a tad overlong is worth having for Eli Wallach great Tuco-like character and his very enjoyable interaction with Bud & Terence,a reasonable storylne,good comedy and music.I'm certainly considering picking up the widescreen DVD having only the pan and scan vhs.
Finally Stranger and the Gunfighter may be far from "classic" and definately nowhere near LVC's best in his heyday but i still love this East meets West meets dodgy '70's sex comedy film.Among other things the idea of the sadastic black leather clad gun toting priest who pulls around a whole church on his wagon is totally inspired and brilliant.I'll wait for the full review of this one but again i'm looking to exchange a crap quality vhs for a decent widescreen dvd!
By the way Firecracker how many SW's do you have so far?

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« Reply #6 on: March 06, 2006, 04:49:53 PM »

I've just received the Diamond Entertainment 13 SW box set and i now have this same movie twice over and they both appear to be the same very poor print which doesn't help. I've already given this film a look a couple of times and yes it is truly bad especially the annoying brat and the terrible music.
Boot Hill which i haven't seen yet is on the same set and from what i've read(none of it very good!) about this i'm probably going to leave this till last-i checked the picture quality though and similar to the other Bud Spencer film this is pretty awful too!
I have the other two Bud/Terence films in the Colizzi trilogy and i'd have to say that the first God Forgives is overlong,boring,totally lacking humour and not far from being crap in my books.However i do take issue with the suggestion that Ace High is crap which although again maybe a tad overlong is worth having for Eli Wallach great Tuco-like character and his very enjoyable interaction with Bud & Terence,a reasonable storylne,good comedy and music.I'm certainly considering picking up the widescreen DVD having only the pan and scan vhs.
Finally Stranger and the Gunfighter may be far from "classic" and definately nowhere near LVC's best in his heyday but i still love this East meets West meets dodgy '70's sex comedy film.Among other things the idea of the sadastic black leather clad gun toting priest who pulls around a whole church on his wagon is totally inspired and brilliant.I'll wait for the full review of this one but again i'm looking to exchange a crap quality vhs for a decent widescreen dvd!
By the way Firecracker how many SW's do you have so far?


I too purchased the diamond entertainment boxed set(which is how i received the spencer film). I have yet to see White camanche(which from what i have heard will end up on my crap list for reviewing.) and Savage Guns(likewise).nor have i seen "Between God the Devil and winchester". everything else...


i can vouch for these to be very entertaining from the box set
Minnessota clay
Cut throats nine(a pleasent surprise)
shangai Joe(also a surprise)
hellbenders
any gun can play

couldnt care less for...
johnny yuma
this man cant die(it will end up reviewed on my crap list eventually)
boot hill(as you already know)
find a place to die(will end up reviewed for crap list)


as for you watching Boot hill. dont even bother banjo. it is as BAD as you have read. perhaps worse. Tongue but then again you bought it....so might as well endure it at least once, to kill curiousity.

i have to disagree with you on Ace High. it was one of the first spaghetti westerns i bought. my transfer is crisp and it is in widscreen but it didnt help that i thought it was a horrible film. but since you mentioned you liked it...i will give it another view before I review it. perhaps i missed something the first time.


for the moment i have over 50 spaghetti westerns(those are not including the 5 leone ones.) i would name them all for you but i am not home at the moment and i cannot remember all the names for the life of me. if you want to know my list ask me on youre next post on this thread(hopefully i will be home).



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« Reply #7 on: March 06, 2006, 06:57:01 PM »

review for
Stranger and the gunfighter


ok...here we go.....


I really, really ,really really wanted to like this film...REALLY. but I couldnt bring myself to like it. true it has some really funny and shining moments that make the film somewhat worth seeing(the key word is "somewhat") but all the few fun moments are bogged down by all the other scenes that contain nothing but mindless and boring drivel. so all the good stuff is way outnumbered by all the bad stuff.

the story is about a bum safe cracker(Van cleef) named Dakota. Dakota arrives at a town where he hopes to steal the fortune of wealthy china man Wang. Dakota enters the bank where Wang keeps his supposed fortune in several safes. Dakota opens each safe only to be dissappointed in finding nothing but some pictures of the womens nude backsides(or as Dakota would say..."asses"). while opening the last safe with dynamite, dakota accidently kills Wang. Dakota is arrested and sentenced to a hanging.

meanwhile we are introduced to Wang's nephew Ho. the intro to this new character takes place in china. and oh boy what a long and boring intro it is. we spend way to much time in china(a tedious 7 minutes). this scene only shows that a chinese warlord wishes for Ho to go to america to find his uncle's fortune(which the warlord gave his uncle for some reason), because all that was sent from america was a wooden statue of an indian. the scene also demonstrates that Ho is efficent in the art of kung-fu. this scene suffers from its lenght. all the information I mentioned above about the scene could have been squeezed into at least a 3 minute running time as opposed to a long and dreary 7 minutes. Anyway...Ho arrives at america only to find out that his uncle was "murdered" by outlaw Dakota during a failed bank heist, Ho is given the pictures Dakota found in his uncle's safes. lucky for Ho, he has arrived on the day of Dakota's execution. Ho wants answers from the outlaw and saves him from the hanging. the two come up  with the assumption that the fortune can be found by finding the women in the pictures and having a look at there back sides which have been tatooed with a "clue" to where the fortune is. In pursuit is our villian of the piece, a nut-job preacher who travels around in a mobile chapel(one of the only visual gags that work in the film). to bad he doesnt work very well as a villain. he is more of a clumsy oaf then any real threat to our heroes. to bad, because he could have really been a threatening presence. the filmmakers wasted the oppertunity by making him more comical then needed. well...after all the characters have been introduced all that is left to say about the film is that it is a rather long silly and rambling story. there is one overly long kung-fu scene that takes place in a back room of a gambling house(in the laundry if I remember correctly). the kung fu in that scene is badly done and clocks in about a good 4 minutes on my version. I rememeber wanting to shut it off(my finger was very close to pressing the stop button).after that mishap, the badly choregraphed kung-fu doesnt spring up again until the climax(thank the lord)
and by then it was improved...marginally. what is in between that is more rambling and most of the time "boring story". at the end the bad preacher man catches several bullets from van cleef, which was cool(only because his death was complete with squibs and up until now...there were no squibs in the film). anyway the money was not found in america, instead the fortune turned out to be inside the wooden indian statue back in china, which just pissed me off because I didnt really have to endure the 104 minutes of this film if only they found it in the statue the first 10 minutes of the film. And this whole "surprise (GOTCHA!)" ending just cheats the audience in the most embarassing way.
ah man what a waste.

actors:

van cleef: Van Cleef is credited as making some of the best spaghetti westerns(Death rides a horse, Day of anger, Big gundown etc.) but he is also credited as making the worst(Captain apache, Bad man's river, God's gun etc.). this film (to me) is part of the latter. and it doesnt help that his acting seems so forced here. he is very unconvincing when portraying anger through dialogue(something I have noticed also in "Beyond the Law"). he just looks so uncomfortable when he has to spout out something angry. He gets anger across much better when he doesnt have to say anything. unfortunatly this role requires him to be a comic character that talks alot and is prone to angry out burst like "what the hell!" and "what is that supposed to mean!" *sigh*

whats his face?(sorry forgot the actors name, the chinese man who plays Ho):does a typical chinese stereotype role. complete with fortune cookie logic.

the Music: Nothing special, it does it's job though. It aint horrible.

The Good:
1. Lee van cleef singing just before he is going to be hanged is always a welcome addition for camp value.

2. Lee van cleef's facial expressions after drinking "chinese liquor".

3. Lee van cleef autographing the naked ass of a french women.
4. (my personal fav) Lee van cleef impersonating an englishman.

5. the preacher proclaiming "me for instance" after a hooker asks a man "who would want to hit a nice young man like you?"


The Bad:
everything else....

and the Ugly:
the fact that I actually sat through this.




DONT WASTE YOURE CASH! I was lucky enough to acquire this for $3.00 from an ebay seller called jerksi. And that was even a waste.

WATCH OUT for a film called Blood Money. it is the same film masquerading around under a different name.

those looking for a good "east meets west" spag, check out Shanghai Joe(recommended by me).



CRAP METER:6

ENTERTAINMENT VALUE:6

« Last Edit: April 29, 2006, 01:34:09 AM by The Firecracker » Logged



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« Reply #8 on: March 07, 2006, 09:07:13 AM »

I'm sticking to my guns with this one-being a big fan of the David Carradine Kung Fu series(i'm looking forward to the Shanghai Joe film!) i quite enjoyed all that Chinese footage but i agree the fighting scenes are a bit dodgy to say the least .In terms of originality the Hell Angel lookalike priest  and his mobile chapel is great  and LVC sense of humour throughout is terrific-and who can fault all those lovely tatooed behinds?.I only paid a couple of quid for my vhs but i'd consider buying the widescreen dvd for a fiver or so which is what i've paid for each Leone SE dvd.
My box set only arrived last Saturday and i've only watched Johnny Yuma so far and i really enjoyed this.I did have a sneaky look at the Any Gun Can Play intro with the Clint/LVC/Django lookalikes(not on my vhs copy!) and yeau i'm now pleased to have this scene.I also already have Hellbenders which i like and Cut Throats Nine which is a dreadful film.

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« Reply #9 on: March 08, 2006, 03:11:46 PM »

Cut Throats Nine which is a dreadful film.


That is a shame you didnt like it. personally I found it very entertaining.
perhaps because I went in with very bad expectations.




moving on...

I would like to make an update to my W Django review. xploited cinema has changed the dvd they had for it to a german version one. apparently this new one has a way better picture quality and has a better wide screen format then the one I own. However it only has italian audio with no subtitles. The dvd that I own has english subtitles in it. but this german one still is over priced(better transfer or not). wait until it goes down in price.

I heard this news while lurking about at the spaghetti western web board where I also heard news of the new Francocleef dvd "And God said to cain"(klaus kinski spag) but have yet to see it available to purchase. Is this correct? did francocleef reconstruct "and god said to cain"? or is this just a rumor?


p.s. I will get to the Boot Hill review either today or within the next couple of days.

« Last Edit: March 08, 2006, 03:28:04 PM by The Firecracker » Logged



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« Reply #10 on: March 08, 2006, 03:29:30 PM »

I heard this news while lurking about at the spaghetti western web board where I also heard news of the new Francocleef dvd "And God said to cain"(klaus kinski spag) but have yet to see it available to purchase. Is this correct? did francocleef reconstruct "and god said to cain"? or is this just a rumor?

Yeah, Franco has made the disc. I'd guess xploitedcinema will have it up for sale soon. The disc uses the transfer from the german disc which unfortunately isn't in the correct aspect ratio. The film should be 2.35:1 but the disc is 1.85:1.

Global Video from South Africa may be making an official release of the film in english and correct aspect ratio... someday... maybe.

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« Reply #11 on: March 08, 2006, 03:32:14 PM »

Yeah, Franco has made the disc. I'd guess xploitedcinema will have it up for sale soon. The disc uses the transfer from the german disc which unfortunately isn't in the correct aspect ratio. The film should be 2.35:1 but the disc is 1.85:1.

Global Video from South Africa may be making an official release of the film in english and correct aspect ratio... someday... maybe.

Thanks Sundance, but is the francocleef one worth it then?

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« Reply #12 on: March 08, 2006, 05:25:41 PM »

Thanks Sundance, but is the francocleef one worth it then?

Well, uh... I don't know.  Grin

If you're interested in the movie, I'd guess it's worth it. I personally do not even own the disc, but the german disc looks good (two screenshots at http://garringo.cool.ne.jp/DVDs2006.htm ) and if you wait for 2.35:1 version you might end up never seeing the movie. Wink And atleast it's not fullscreen! Grin

As I said, it should get a release in South Africa probably in correct aspect ratio, but who knows when... and things can change. Also haven't heard of any other releases of it being prepared (which doesn't mean that there can't be any)

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« Reply #13 on: March 08, 2006, 05:34:49 PM »

Well, uh... I don't know.  Grin

If you're interested in the movie, I'd guess it's worth it. I personally do not even own the disc, but the german disc looks good (two screenshots at http://garringo.cool.ne.jp/DVDs2006.htm ) and if you wait for 2.35:1 version you might end up never seeing the movie. Wink And atleast it's not fullscreen! Grin

As I said, it should get a release in South Africa probably in correct aspect ratio, but who knows when... and things can change. Also haven't heard of any other releases of it being prepared (which doesn't mean that there can't be any)

yeah i am gonna end up breakin down for franco's version cause those screenshots look great!

also they have the W Django german release i was talking about earlier as one of the screenshots. it looks great. but still not worth the price.

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« Reply #14 on: March 09, 2006, 03:42:41 AM »


That is a shame you didnt like it. personally I found it very entertaining.
perhaps because I went in with very bad expectations.
Its one of those rare instances where the Shobary review is spot on.Its the only SW dvd where i bought it and then after taping it to maintain my sw collection i sold it on Ebay!

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