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cigar joe
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« on: November 09, 2009, 11:57:24 PM »

How to Poop at Work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it...
We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the *WORK POOP* is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

*CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

*FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a *FREQUENT FLYER*. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal,
pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

*JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

*COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the *WALK OF SHAME*.

*WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bath room.. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the *COURTESY FLUSH*.

*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.(hehehe this is you!)

*SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

*TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the *Turd Burglar* leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

*CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a *WATERMELON*, or to alert potential *TURDBURGLAR*. Very effective when used in conjunction with a *SHIRLEY TEMPLE*.

*SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential *TURD BURGLARS*that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear a *SHIRLEY TEMPLE*, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

*WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an arrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See *CAMO-COUGH*.

SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF:

*The King Poop* = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

* Bali Belly Poop* = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.

*Cement Block* =You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.

*Cork Poop* = Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house.

*The Bungee Poop* = The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it falls into the water.

*The Crippler* = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

*The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang* = The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

*The Party Pooper* = The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise...

NOW EVERYONE TRY TO GO POOP IN PEACE

QUIT LAUGHING... POOPING IS A NATURAL PROCESS

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« Reply #1 on: November 10, 2009, 10:00:50 PM »

For those that enjoyed this thread, they'll get a kick outta this...

http://www.tagmag.info/junk/sh.htm

GHOST SHIT: You know you've shited. There is shit on the toilet paper but none in the toilet.

TEFLON COATED SHIT: Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't even feel it. No trace of shit on the toilet paper, you have to look in the toilet to be sure you did it.

GOOEY SHIT: This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe 12 times and you still don't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underpants so you don't stain them. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.

SECOND THOUGHT SHIT: You're all done wiping and about to stand up when you realize it, you've got some more.

POP A VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD SHIT : This is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't want to come out until you're all sweaty, trembling, and purple from straining so hard.

WEIGHT WATCHERS SHIT: You shit so much that you loose several kilograms.

RIGHT NOW SHIT: You better be within 30 seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber getting there. Usually, it has its head out before you get your pants down.

KING KONG SHIT: This one is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually happens at someone else's house.

CORK SHIT ( Also known as a floater.): Even after the third flush, it's still floating in the bowel. My god. How do I get rid of it ??

WET CHEEKS SHIT: This shit hits the water sideways and makes a big splash that gets you all wet.

WISH SHIT: You sit there all cramped up for a few minutes, but no shit.

CEMENT BLOCK SHIT: You wish that you'd gotten a spinal block before you shited.

SNAKE SHIT: This shit is fairly soft, about as thick as your thumb, and at least three feet long.

MEXICAN FOOD SHIT ( Also called the screamer.): You know it's okay to eat again when your bum stops burning.

BEER DRUNK AND MEAT PIE SHIT: This happens the day after the night before. Normally your shits don't smell too bad, but this one is BAD!!. Usually this happens at someone else's house and there is someone standing outside the door waiting to use the bathroom.

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« Reply #2 on: November 10, 2009, 10:32:40 PM »

I'll keep this thread in mind next time you post something on the Public Enemies board about how immature I supposedly am.

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cigar joe
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« Reply #3 on: November 11, 2009, 04:17:25 AM »

I was thinking of you when I read it  Wink

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